"To be perfectly honest."

I used to have a boss who would say that phrase every time she would lie to me. I think I value honesty more than most people. To me, it's the heart of human relationships. Of course, I majored in Philosophy in college, where I was required to take a course in Ethics (possibly because they feared I didn't understand the difference between right and wrong).

I mention this because I recently encountered a woman I dated briefly a few years ago. The relationship was ever-so-brief and we never really had a spark. I encountered her a couple of years later and didn't recall her at first, so she took advantage of that and, well, played me by trying to initiate the whole romantic thing a second time without bothering to remind me of the first time (hey, this was email, so it was easy to do). When she revealed the deceit, I was rather disgusted at the ploy. Well, I encountered her again recently and because my trust had been previously abused, I cut off the entire conversation as quickly as possible.

But nobody is perfect and there's no such thing as perfect honesty.

I've been lied to and I've told some lies myself. Yes, I'm embarrassed by the latter! Still, there are at least four kinds of lies that can ruin human relationships.

The first is the traditional lie, where you simply say something that isn't true, usually to get--or keep--something you want. Now, since what you want isn't always a material thing, a lot of lies in human interaction aim to gain or preserve a status. Sometimes we lie simply to start or preserve the relationship, or even to destroy it. I once dated a woman who concealed the fact that she had a child from me. I can't say what I would have done if she had been truthful, but I think you know what happened when I figured it out.

The second lie is the lie of omission. While the first kind of lie is usually a conscious decision to say the opposite of what is true, this is the lie where social conventions demand that you disclose something--but you choose not to. This is the lie the woman I mentioned encountering a second and third time told.

The third lie is the saddest of all in human relations: the unknowing lie. This isn't fully intentional, but happens when you have reached a point in your personal development that you no longer are even capable of revealing what's true about yourself, your life, the people in your life, or even trivial things. While the person who commits this isn't fully responsible, this kind of deceit is just as destructive to trust as the conscious lie. On the other hand, we each have a duty to know ourselves well enough to minimize the harm of this. And if you know of someone like this, you know what a hazard they are to their own relationships.

The fourth lie is the broken promise. I think it was a song lyric I heard once that said, "promises are lies that haven't come true yet." This was the specialty of that old boss of mine--and her assistant. Yes, we all agree that life sometimes interferes with our promises and nobody keeps their word every time, but promises of loyalty, faithfulness, support, and things that aren't subject to circumstance can pretty much always be kept. Still, we all need a way to withdraw from those compacts (you know, like divorces), making the line between betrayal and fair notice as fine as can be.

What's my point? First, a plea for all to be as honest as possible. Second, a reminder to all that deceit is the most terrible thing you can do. It shreds the fabric of our relationships and even our society. Please, keep your promises, don't conceal, don't lie, and be self-aware enough to avoid harming your own relations with the lies of ignorance.

And if somebody feels the need to tell you that they're being honest or open, get ready! The next thing they say probably isn't true!

CDs listened to today:

• Bill Frisell Quartet: (eponymous)
• Ellen Taaffe Zwilich: Symphony No. 2, "Cello"
• Peter Wolf: Up To No Good
• William Schuman: Symphony No. 10 (Gerard Schwarz conducting)
• Remy Shand: The Way I Feel